ROMANCE AND SEX

Romantic love can be deceptive but it does have a littl to do with the real love two people search for. The problem comes with the acceptance of romantic love alone as being "the real thing." Romantic love is a result of intimacy and excitement. It depends on conditions of particular need or on a "romantic" environment. For this reason it is often a substitute for a greater need and, as such, is brief and unsatisfying. The sexual urge is both psychological and physiological. men often seem to be unaware of this. they find purely physical relief to be

pleasant, but it leaves them with an empty feeling. It is an unsatisfying experience because the psyche is left unfulfilled. There is an in-built desire for a bond to form between males and females which is strongly sexual, (survival of the species) but to call the sexual desire "love" is deceptive. the air of mystique created by lack of complete knowledge of a person coupled with sexual desire and that basic human need of companionship has led to a belief in what we call "love at first sight." These are in fact the components of romance. Romantic love must, however, in no way be dismissed as undesirable. In combination with rational, active love it gives a full, balanced realtionship. the romantic element becomes a voluntary act and not one deriving only from unexpressed needs and desires. However, the romantic love must be kept alive, and here a conscious effort is essential.

LOVING

Loving is a rational, disciplined action requiring complete and unrestrained giving. There must be trust and complete honesty and this requires concentration and patience. A cared-for person is the object of watchful regard. To regard is to notice carefully, to hold in high esteem and to understand. In "The Art of Loving" Eric Fromm suggests that love may provide us with the answer to the age-old question of the reason for our existence. Viewed thoughtfully and with care it is reasonable to believe our purpose in life is to love. from love derives all that is good in human relations. Love solves all problems. By the same token, however, love is not a task to be lightly undertaken. Failure is the rule, success quite a rare occurrence in our "civilised" society. Few of us would admit it, but what we are in fact searching for when we set out looking for love is "to be loved" rather than to love. We are actually embarking on a study of "how to be lovable - how to be attractive and successful." COMPANIONSHIP Aloness is an in-built basic anxiety from which we suffer until we find companionship. We then seek the fulfilment of companionship in loving. We too often are not sufficiently aware of our needs to examine just what we are looking for and contemporary literature, entertainment and the media drive us in a direction not entirely of our choosing. Could we only sit quietly, without pressure and "find" ourselves we would be better able to see in what direction happiness lies. Although horrible cliched it is still true to say that nothing worthwhile comes easily. So it is with love. The act of loving is an all encompassing thing. It takes all of your life but the rewards are beyond those obtainable in any other way. Money, success, material possessions and sex are all hollow pleasures without love to give them substance, a sense of purpose and fulfilment.

THE LOVE COMMITMENT

In conclusion, we can say that love is a conscious commitment. We decide to love someone for life when we marry. In this light, the idea of waiting for the 'right' person takes on less importance. Note that by 'right' here we mean that person of our dreams that television soap operas lead us to believe is necessary for a lasting relationship.

Romance, but not 'love at first sight' is desirable, but more important is a mature evaluation of the cultural and socio-economic background of your proposed partner. There is a generaly pretence we live in a classless society. We really know better. We should also realise that the demands made upon both partnes in carrying out the commitment of loving will generally be less between two people of similar social and educational background. John Nicholson, lecturer in psychology at London University, noted in his book, 'Habits: Why DoYou Do What You Do', that in a friendship of less than six months standing dissimilarity seems to be the rule, whereas longstanding friendships of more than one year tend to be between people of similar personalities. A marriage based on companionship has a greater chance of survival than an erotic, infatuated relationship.

SWINGERS

A comment on sex and marriage today would not be complete without a word about 'swingers' or couples, married and unmarried, who participate in combined sexual activities and partner-swapping. In Australia and America 'swinging' has been through a boom and has levelled off. Reports from America suggest that swingers are largely very ordinary people and that couples often break up as a result. Swingers are most often bored, unimaginative pleasure-seekers with little creativitiy. Jealousy, recrimination and rejection often cause a break-up. In many cases, the women are forced into the situation for fear of losing their partner. Those couples that do stay together appear to have had very shallow relationships to begin with.

SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS

Many men are unaware that there can be more to a sexual relationship than simple physical gratification. It is this lack of differentiation between emotional passion and physical passion that turns many women off. Women want to love and be loved, and resent being merely the vehicle of male sexual release. A women looks for and needs a total sexual experience. A women is not generally as easily aroused sexually as a man and needs care and understanding and the right conditions to have a satisfying sexual relationship.

It must be remembered that the woman will have the fear of unwanted pergnancy in her mind. The possibility of this 'unhappy accident' may not even occur to a man during his single-minded drive to satisfy his lust. Such a lack of responsibility is a sign of the adolescent mind and will be very poorly met by any thinking woman.

It is interesting to compare the most common reasons why men and women marry. Women marry for marital affection, security of financial position and of love, 'acceptable' motherhood and because society and friends expect it of them.

Men marry to gain acceptance of themselves as a person in their own right. They marry to obtain a secure sex outlet, for physical and social comfort, perhaps because 'the company' demands it and because 'manliness', society, family and friends demand it. Some even marry for love.

WOMEN

Women on the other hand, are productive, realistic, tireless and maternal. They are raised with a more gregarious, cooperative outlook and are uninspired by the competitiveness of males. A women wants a man who has the character and discipline to be himself. It matter little what type a man is so long as he is straight-forward and honestly himself.

Any woman prefers a mature man -- indeed many will accept nothing less. Maturity is reached when the need for hiding behind alcohol and other drugs and impressing mates is seen to be no longer necessary. In 'The Art Of Loving', Eric Fromm explains the need for some males to show their expertise in sex as the result of immaturity. The male's masculinity has not yet developed and so the man over-reacts in the male sexual role.

GIVING

Having established the romantic element, the other basic element of love is giving. there is apoint of confusion which often arises when talking of giving. the giving in love is not to be confused with sacrifice. apart from its religious meaning sacrifice is a surrender made in order to gain something. Sacrifice is too often the vehicle by which martyrdom is achieved. the martyrdom we talk about is an affliction which is often used as a sustitute for romantic, mental or physical fulfilment in life. Giving can lack maturity. an immature person will give only in direct proportion to receiving. This is not love. Giving is a difficult and studied art, but the rewards are many. Freely giving is in itself an enriching experience, even apart from the indirect benefits.

Our society today is based on "having fun." We are told every day that to buy things (commodities like food, drink, movies, television etc.) is having fun. infortunately, this makes the acheivment of a worthwhile realtionship a little more difficult because real loving is not always fun. having fun ia a pleasant part of our existence, but as with all things must be kept in perspective. To develop a worthwhile relationship requires a mature balance of "work and play." If we succeed, it will be satisfying and enriching, but we cannot approach it in a manner of "buying things." that is to say, the relationship based exclusively on "you dig the garden and I'll make the beds," or the fair exchange principle, will not work very well or for very long. In love there must be a desire for understanding and the communication of feelings and desires. In practical terms it comes as a sharing of tasks as the occasion and need arises. with the lessening of stereo-type occupations for males and females in our society there is widening scope for the application of this aspect of love.

A couple can find the answer to their individual and differing needs in job sharing. each partner might work two or three days a week in an outside job and thus create the opportunity to share in the duties associated with children and the home. The immediate excellent result of this is the enhanced understanding of the day-to-day problems found in the home, leading to a sharing of the burdens of living in our hectic world.

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